Adoption: Ensuing Relationships
There are casualties of the system, and today I still bear the aching scars of the bleaker side of this process. Immeasurable damage in inescapable surroundings during the first two formative decades of life becomes irreparable. Having experienced the darker side of adoption, as the essence of confinement and animosity and for whom the lifelong consequences can never be eradicated, I am one of these people. This series of accounts illuminates the way a growing mind can sometimes be distorted into an insufferable compromise in its efforts to integrate and survive in a hostile environment.
The characteristics required for adoptive parents can’t be clearly defined, but should be evident to they themselves. It is hard to assess the degree of commitment that is indispensable in a prospective adoptive parent. There are certainly situations where people believe themselves to be blessed with the qualities required for this responsibility but in reality, simply cannot bond with the new little life entrusted to them. Whatever the case or the cause may be, it is unforgivable to use power games on a defenceless and vulnerable child, who is too helpless to remedy the problem on its own. It has to be remembered that the only person with no say in any decisions is the adoptee. The constant mantra which was repeatedly thrown at me, from the time I can remember: «I don’t know why I bothered to adopt you» was an enduring reminder that I lived in a very unstable environment. This was the setting in place, from which I should go out into the world and find a suitable partner. There are just some attributes that you cannot teach yourself, not even, «how to hug a human».
I thank God for my grown-up son who has given me the chance to give and take unconditional love, He is my barometer in assessing oncoming friendships, but as we know, roots don’t grow upwards. Since I had no awareness of any love in the family at any stage of my first twenty years, I misconstrued several false alarms in men along the way. I entered into relationships with men who were the entire reverse of the men they purported to be, until the bond was established. Once they had me emotionally and frequently physically in their zone, things would often inexplicably adjust to a mindset, more in line with their flakey character. I simply didn’t foresee this in advance, but with hindsight, I was always wiser.
I recognised the potential in them, on the basis of the signals that were launched in my direction, but that’s what they were – simply signals. I must have been an obvious sitting target for some of the men who came my way, who simply needed my services for their own agenda. There are battalions of brilliant men out there, but I managed to find the ones who needed considerably more scrutiny.
The next time I surface into this world, I fully intend to choose loving parents, intent on keeping me, loving me and bringing me up in a balanced and secure atmosphere, to everyone’s advantage. This would give me the distinct advantage, of recognising an honest, stable and loving partner from the outset.
Photo: Pexels.com /Paul Ijsendoorn
