As a young child in school, we had a quaint little ritual of writing in books, «this book belongs to …………». Everyone did it, and in such a way, that I never really thought about the implication. Of course, my books only belonged to me, as long as I actually needed them. As soon as I moved on, the books would be passed on to the next person, to whom they would «belong». So, with this concept of transient ownership, I went through life with the deep conviction that nothing really ever belonged to me. As confirmation of this, you only need to look around the local graveyard. We all arrive into the world penniless, and however much we accumulate, we all leave it totally insolvent.
There is however one sense of belonging that I craved for all my life. I, myself wanted to belong, and I actually never did. The birth-mother who couldn’t wait to liberate herself from me directly after birth. The adoptive mother, who harbored no sense of attachment or affection for me. It remained a total mystery to me and any observers in this charade, as to why she even adopted me at all. The only enlightenment could have been, that it qualified her to be seen as a paragon of virtue, whose integrity manifested itself in her noble deed.
So, I grew up with the stifling, loveless constrictions of rigid discipline and abundant duties. As the Cinderella of the family, without freedom of time for friends or contacts outside school, I became consumed with the craving to belong to someone/anyone. If I could only mean something to someone! If only something I did would actually resonate with anyone. There was probably considerable evidence of desperation in my whole being which divined no good for a stable, secure personality. It has taken in the meantime six decades and ceaseless determination to grow into the person I was probably intended to be by nature, in the first place.
I never did find the one person I yearned for, to share my life, my love and my most intimate thoughts – to be a partner, a companion and even a soul-mate. Life seems to have been an incessant stream of «do-it-yourself» mind-mapping to unearth answers, to discover myself and clear the fog and find some peace of mind. It has been exhausting. It is surely true that no one is an island, but when isolation is forced upon anyone in infant years – it’s a hurdle that has the potential to cloud the entire formative years, and beyond.
As Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop once wrote: «The happiest people live in tribes». I didn’t need a tribe – just ………………..
Photo: Pexels
As always You have such a command of the english language–you can make words dance on the page.
Thank you so much Kathy!